So I’ve never been in a relationship before and this is my friend’s first relationship. I’m a noob going off what romance ideas I’ve got from books/kdramas when giving advice. So I really want advice on how to deal with the current situation.
Long story short after being a ‘some’ for 4 months and dating for 4 months now he treats her like shit. And I hate watching him walk all over her like this. In the past 10 days the number of times I’ve had to talk to her about this (24/7 basically), hug her and console her has made me mentally exhausted too.
Like he will not pick up her calls, not text back and not come see her when he lives 2 minutes away. Every freaking time they meet he says he’s really sleepy and will leave within half an hour. He recently went back home for a month before this behaviour started and at that time he was obsessively calling her multiple times a day but as soon as he came back he started doing this shit of not communicating.
A week ago she had some issues with one of her friends which kinda became a huge problem. Guess who was with her all the time? Me because we live in the same flat. Guess who wasn’t there- didn’t even come to see her even though she was crying- him.
Like the red flags couldn’t be any more obvious. And it started recently because now he knows he can get away with anything, she’ll keep giving him chances. Like the first major thing he did was not come and see her after going away for two weeks even though he said he would. He later said he got drunk on the plane after they didn’t talk for 4 days AND she was the first one to call him. Ugh of all the freaking excuses he could have made he made this excuse. Ever since that happened 3 months ago he’s really started taking her lightly.
The worst part is my friend knows SHE KNOWS, I keep telling her but she’s ALWAYS making excuses for him. “He’s lazy, he’s got bad company and gives into the temptation of smoking weed that’s why he’s doing this.” OMG I will go crazy if I hear her make one more excuse for him. I literally cannot.
But the thing is this is such a delicate situation. I have point-blank told her that she has to break up with him and to stop making excuses for him. This resulted in her not telling me some stuff even though she agreed with me, (she tells me everything, we tell each other everything) and this really freaked me out when I found out later. I realized that I have to be more subtle.
I’m tired and I’m scared tbh.
He was really good to her before and I was happy for her but now he’s just so shady and I just don’t want anything bad to happen. They’re going to another city tomorrow (just the two of them) to attend a concert but with this behaviour I can’t help but be scared that something bad might happen.
She told me she doesn’t like him anymore but she’s going because they spent so much money on the concert and it’s one of her favourite artists. And I want her to go and enjoy, beanies she’s been excited about this for an entire month.
But now I don’t know I just want her to comeback safely and then break up with him.
What should I do in this situation? How do I make her understand? 🙁
Like I cannot stress this enough: he was really good to her. Always talked to her, cooked for her etc. But as soon as they finally got into a relationship he started changing and has reached this stage. It’s like a 180 degree change in his personality. And another reason I’m scared is because 2 months ago they were in a club and he went into a crazy blind range because he thought that some dude had touched her or something like he was literally choking the other guy with his bare hands. When I found out about this I got so scared hearing that he got violent over something that did not happen, something he thought that happened. That’s not normal it’s so toxic. When he’s not in the city he will go crazy calling but when he is in the city he won’t talk to her. SO TOXIC. She has a lot of male-friends and he’s always telling her that it’s not right and he comments on what she wears and ugh I cannot deal with this anymore I really can’t see her cry over this piece of shit one more time.
And I overthink and get anxious so easily and she’s going alone with him and UGH I’m gonna cry now I just hope she stays safe and has the best time ever at the concert.
The thing is deep down I know she’s anxious too. She kept hugging me and saying stuff like I’ll see you in 48 hours Sky at one point she even said maybe I shouldn’t go. Idk anymore. At least some of her friends are going to the concert too and she has some relatives in that city if something does happen.
I don’t understand how someone can change so much beanies. Like I’m not even kidding when they started dating I was really happy for her because for 4 months he had been the perfect gentleman- NEVER did anything wrong, and now he’s just so shady. He started lying to her too about where he’s been going (he says the library but he’s at home, it’s on his snapchat location) and it really freaks me out.
Another key thing I should mention is this: my friend isn’t ready for sex so they’ve never had sex. The night before he started this not-communicating-dismissive thing he asked if they were ever gonna have sex and she said “I don’t know I’m sorry, I’m not ready for that” and he said it’s okay but then this started happening 2 weeks ago. And I’m just so sad seeing her so sad.
She might dig her heals in more if you press the situation. People just want to be right. She’s wants to think he’s a good person, although the evidence all suggests otherwise. If he’s otherwise not shown any violent tendencies, and has acted like a jerk, just tell her you’re worried but her being alone with him, as nonjudgmentally as you can, and let her make her decision. And then pray. It’s out of your hands at that point.
That’s what my other best friend from home said. It’s just sad seeing her like this. How can you like someone so much to this point? I don’t get it 🙁
But yes you’re right. At least now we’re getting a break from all this. She’s going to the concert and after that meeting her relatives so it’s like an entire week of not meeting him. Plus she said it herself that she’s going to break up with him. I just hope she means it and understands that she has to break up with him because all of this is so wrong 🙁
I think she does with what she’s told me but I can’t know for sure. Here’s hoping. T_T
Yes, and I think it’s important she knows that she can go to someone after it all ends badly and not feel like they’re thinking, “I told you so”.
I’ve made this mistake before, when you can just tell that a guy is terrible for your friend and they should get out. But once they’ve made the decision, you only risk alienating them because nobody wants to believe they’re a fool for choosing badly. Then they won’t want to turn to you when things get really bad.
I think you’re right to suspect he could become abusive, he has a lot of the early signs. If that’s the case, it’s even more important that your friend feels you’re on her side no matter what in as non-judgmental a way as possible.
I’m taking so much stress over her being so sad and stressed. I’m tired. And even when I don’t want to listen to her rant and get angry over him I have to because we live together and I don’t know how to say no.
Plus I just hate seeing her be this sad over him. She’s actually started getting a few white strands in her hair because of the stress.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to talk to her sometimes because she vents and rants to me instead of ranting to him because he’s not talking to her.
But I feel like I can’t turn my back on her at this time, she’ll really go crazy. How do I get her out of this situation?
I don’t know how to help or know what to say but hang in there! Fighting! And like what I’ll always say, everything will be fine. *sends you all my luck and wishes*
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vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 6:47 PM
I need some relationship advice for my best friend, putting the details in the comments.
vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 7:06 PM
So I’ve never been in a relationship before and this is my friend’s first relationship. I’m a noob going off what romance ideas I’ve got from books/kdramas when giving advice. So I really want advice on how to deal with the current situation.
Long story short after being a ‘some’ for 4 months and dating for 4 months now he treats her like shit. And I hate watching him walk all over her like this. In the past 10 days the number of times I’ve had to talk to her about this (24/7 basically), hug her and console her has made me mentally exhausted too.
Like he will not pick up her calls, not text back and not come see her when he lives 2 minutes away. Every freaking time they meet he says he’s really sleepy and will leave within half an hour. He recently went back home for a month before this behaviour started and at that time he was obsessively calling her multiple times a day but as soon as he came back he started doing this shit of not communicating.
A week ago she had some issues with one of her friends which kinda became a huge problem. Guess who was with her all the time? Me because we live in the same flat. Guess who wasn’t there- didn’t even come to see her even though she was crying- him.
Like the red flags couldn’t be any more obvious. And it started recently because now he knows he can get away with anything, she’ll keep giving him chances. Like the first major thing he did was not come and see her after going away for two weeks even though he said he would. He later said he got drunk on the plane after they didn’t talk for 4 days AND she was the first one to call him. Ugh of all the freaking excuses he could have made he made this excuse. Ever since that happened 3 months ago he’s really started taking her lightly.
The worst part is my friend knows SHE KNOWS, I keep telling her but she’s ALWAYS making excuses for him. “He’s lazy, he’s got bad company and gives into the temptation of smoking weed that’s why he’s doing this.” OMG I will go crazy if I hear her make one more excuse for him. I literally cannot.
But the thing is this is such a delicate situation. I have point-blank told her that she has to break up with him and to stop making excuses for him. This resulted in her not telling me some stuff even though she agreed with me, (she tells me everything, we tell each other everything) and this really freaked me out when I found out later. I realized that I have to be more subtle.
I’m tired and I’m scared tbh.
He was really good to her before and I was happy for her but now he’s just so shady and I just don’t want anything bad to happen. They’re going to another city tomorrow (just the two of them) to attend a concert but with this behaviour I can’t help but be scared that something bad might happen.
She told me she doesn’t like him anymore but she’s going because they spent so much money on the concert and it’s one of her favourite artists. And I want her to go and enjoy, beanies she’s been excited about this for an entire month.
vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 7:07 PM
But now I don’t know I just want her to comeback safely and then break up with him.
What should I do in this situation? How do I make her understand? 🙁
vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 7:19 PM
Like I cannot stress this enough: he was really good to her. Always talked to her, cooked for her etc. But as soon as they finally got into a relationship he started changing and has reached this stage. It’s like a 180 degree change in his personality. And another reason I’m scared is because 2 months ago they were in a club and he went into a crazy blind range because he thought that some dude had touched her or something like he was literally choking the other guy with his bare hands. When I found out about this I got so scared hearing that he got violent over something that did not happen, something he thought that happened. That’s not normal it’s so toxic. When he’s not in the city he will go crazy calling but when he is in the city he won’t talk to her. SO TOXIC. She has a lot of male-friends and he’s always telling her that it’s not right and he comments on what she wears and ugh I cannot deal with this anymore I really can’t see her cry over this piece of shit one more time.
And I overthink and get anxious so easily and she’s going alone with him and UGH I’m gonna cry now I just hope she stays safe and has the best time ever at the concert.
The thing is deep down I know she’s anxious too. She kept hugging me and saying stuff like I’ll see you in 48 hours Sky at one point she even said maybe I shouldn’t go. Idk anymore. At least some of her friends are going to the concert too and she has some relatives in that city if something does happen.
I don’t understand how someone can change so much beanies. Like I’m not even kidding when they started dating I was really happy for her because for 4 months he had been the perfect gentleman- NEVER did anything wrong, and now he’s just so shady. He started lying to her too about where he’s been going (he says the library but he’s at home, it’s on his snapchat location) and it really freaks me out.
Another key thing I should mention is this: my friend isn’t ready for sex so they’ve never had sex. The night before he started this not-communicating-dismissive thing he asked if they were ever gonna have sex and she said “I don’t know I’m sorry, I’m not ready for that” and he said it’s okay but then this started happening 2 weeks ago. And I’m just so sad seeing her so sad.
Ally
July 15, 2019 at 7:21 PM
She might dig her heals in more if you press the situation. People just want to be right. She’s wants to think he’s a good person, although the evidence all suggests otherwise. If he’s otherwise not shown any violent tendencies, and has acted like a jerk, just tell her you’re worried but her being alone with him, as nonjudgmentally as you can, and let her make her decision. And then pray. It’s out of your hands at that point.
vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 7:28 PM
That’s what my other best friend from home said. It’s just sad seeing her like this. How can you like someone so much to this point? I don’t get it 🙁
But yes you’re right. At least now we’re getting a break from all this. She’s going to the concert and after that meeting her relatives so it’s like an entire week of not meeting him. Plus she said it herself that she’s going to break up with him. I just hope she means it and understands that she has to break up with him because all of this is so wrong 🙁
I think she does with what she’s told me but I can’t know for sure. Here’s hoping. T_T
LT is Irresistibly Indifferent and reminded of the slow march of death
July 15, 2019 at 10:31 PM
Yes, and I think it’s important she knows that she can go to someone after it all ends badly and not feel like they’re thinking, “I told you so”.
I’ve made this mistake before, when you can just tell that a guy is terrible for your friend and they should get out. But once they’ve made the decision, you only risk alienating them because nobody wants to believe they’re a fool for choosing badly. Then they won’t want to turn to you when things get really bad.
I think you’re right to suspect he could become abusive, he has a lot of the early signs. If that’s the case, it’s even more important that your friend feels you’re on her side no matter what in as non-judgmental a way as possible.
vipsky
July 15, 2019 at 7:24 PM
I’m taking so much stress over her being so sad and stressed. I’m tired. And even when I don’t want to listen to her rant and get angry over him I have to because we live together and I don’t know how to say no.
Plus I just hate seeing her be this sad over him. She’s actually started getting a few white strands in her hair because of the stress.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to talk to her sometimes because she vents and rants to me instead of ranting to him because he’s not talking to her.
But I feel like I can’t turn my back on her at this time, she’ll really go crazy. How do I get her out of this situation?
bea
July 15, 2019 at 9:31 PM
I don’t know how to help or know what to say but hang in there! Fighting! And like what I’ll always say, everything will be fine. *sends you all my luck and wishes*