Just something on parental abuse because I’m watching 18 again:
Being under lockdown during covid is just the worse time to realize your abusive parents never grew out of the abuse. I spent so much time as a kid hating and blaming myself for all the abusive shit my parents put me through. When my brother was born, I was 10 and determined to never let him experience the hell I went through alone. He was 5 and I put my body between him and whatever weapon my parents had at hand to beat the crap out of him for whatever small thing he had done. My body black and blue from bruises I had from shielding him, me screaming at my parents that they really shouldn’t have had us as kids if this was what they thought parenting was. The abuses stopped for a while after and as I grew older my hurt turned into venom and I would fight with my parents constantly for everything. My teenage years were a blur of angsty shit that I really rather not revisit.
Long story short, but I got older so did my parents and they mellowed out eventually. I’m in my late 20’s and no one has dared to hit me in years. My parents talk about me now like I was a model child. Lime my trauma, my depression, my suicidal tendencies never happened. We have reconciled in these years. My parents turned from demons from hell to sweet older people who are lonely without their kids. I moved out and talking to them on the phone made me think that they realized how wrong they were and that they learned from their mistakes that its never OK to raise a hand to a child that depends on you for safety and doesn’t really know what they did that was so wrong that they needed to be disciplined like that. I made my peace with them.
But covid bought me back home. If the constant proximity to my parents wasn’t maddening enough, a couple of months ago I heard them on the phone with my uncle. His son was growing up you see and not studying as he should. Mind you he’s all of 13 and this was when our city was literally under lockdown: we had curfew and couldent leave our designated areas and shit. But obviously it was super important to my uncle that my cousin sit with his books from 9am-2pm, then be allowed to play from 2-4pm and then attend his religious study classes and then study some more and do his homework etc till 11pm. A 13 year old kid. And his answer to my cousin not listening to him was to beat the shit out him and threaten to kill him.
If you think this is horrifying that’s nothing compared to what my parents did. They listened to this kid crying saying no one listened to him. And they “advised” him to stop crying, listen to his father unless he wanted to be thrown out of the house. They said my uncle was justified in hitting a child. That my cousin shouldn’t have tried to defend himself or raise a hand to his father because that’s wrong. They advised my uncle to be stricter, thats how they disciplined me and look how well I turned out.
Listening to this bullshit in horrified silence, I realized my parents had learned nothing from me growing up. I excused so much of their shit thinking that they were young that’s how they learned and that they loved me and didnt know it was wrong. I raised my brother to be the very best I could and hes a kind, compassionate boy who hates violence and toxic masculinity. And I thought they had learned.
It’s like all those years of me growing, my trauma and what I learned form it, the years of me reconditioning my body to forget their bullshit teachings and be the woman I am today, all of that just never happened.
I’m too sick to my stomach, too hurt to talk to them anymore beyond a few words here and there.
All this to say that watching 18 again and seeing how they keep justifying parental abuse as filial duty fills me up with so much fucking rage. The kids on the show have Dae Young as the dad friend to take care of them, to protect and to show them that they deserve better. I had no one except myself to teach me those things and those were painful learning experiences. I fucking hate how we have to forgive our parents for the trauma they inflict because they are old and will die and then we might regret it. But why should my forgiveness be something that I’m forced to give out? Why can’t I just live with regrets? I would rather gut myself off from them and be happy in the now than force myself to forgive and forget only to be reminded once again that some people really don’t fucking change for the better
Also hate that trope! @silvermists, you’ve been through a lot. You’re strong, and goodhearted, and since you were a kid you figured out on your own that some things were just wrong, and had the self-preservation instinct to get away from all that. Well done!
I never suffered physical abuse, but grew up with a lot of crazy and dysfunction, so I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about this stuff over the years. My conclusion is that parents do what they can, but sometimes what they can is pretty mediocre. If you can find it in your heart to have some sort of relationship with them – the amount and intensity of contact on your own terms -, you’ll probably feel better than if you cut them off. But – and this is very important – you don’t need to forgive them, you can just accept the fact that they messed up.
Coming to terms with the fact that one of my parents is a jerk, and that my home dynamics was poison to all of us, was liberating to me and allowed to keep on loving them with all their flaws
Wishing you and your brother the best, and hope your cousin finds some kind of help, or gets away from his home situation as soon as possible, poor kid!
My sorry won’t change anything but nobody deserves to be abused in any way or degree. So, I am so sorry, silvermists. I am also so proud that you are able to be the woman you are today. You have worked so hard and done so well. I have nothing else to say so I will just offer you my hugs. *envelopes you into the biggest and warmest hug with soothing circle back-rubs*
Thank you love that means a lot. You’re right that at the end of the day we all have to find what gives you the most peace. I thought I had found that but I’m still rediscovering my own limits I guess.
It really sucks when the place you’re supposed to be your most comfortable at is the place that turns so toxic. I hope you’re doing better too with your home situation. This is one of the only platforms where I feel comfortable being at and sharing things on. Sometimes all you need is the comfort of kdramas and a couple of wonderful beanies to talk to to feel better
Honestly family or not I think it is 100% ok to cut out people who have and who continue to harm you if that is something you choose to do.
Also, you should be very proud of yourself for breaking that cycle of abuse in regards to you and your brother.
Thanks @bcampbell1662. Its definitely hard but at the end of the day you shouldn’t have to deal with the toxic people in your life. It puts a lot of mental pressure just to be around them and I do agree its better to cut them off from your life rather than keep them around because social norms dictate that it must be so. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first and do what makes you happy. I just wish more kdramas did that and showed how liberating of an experience that is.
I really liked how IOTNBO handled the death of MY’s dad. He wasn’t absolved of his sins and wasn’t forgiven by his daughter. MY did not even go see him in his final days. This for me is very realistic and done just right. I do think also that forgiveness is not something that we are supposed to give automatically just because someone is dying.
silvermists, You’ve endured so much and have done well for yourself and your brother. I wish you all the best. No one deserves to go through any form of abuse.
@doublefault yes!! That was one of my most favourite things about the show! I loved that they didn’t change who Mo Young was as a person but just showed that in a nurturing environment she can be sweet instead of abrasive and gentle instead of hard. She went through a lot of trauma growing up and its only after she cut her parents out of her life that she got to do grow as a person and get out of that damn house! I love that despite how many people at the hospital tried to force the redemption arc on her she did not forgive her father because at the end of the day she put herself first. And he did nothing to deserve her forgiveness no matter.
Thank you for saying that. No one should have to go through abuse regardless of the circumstances. It angers me that I couldent get my parents out of the cycle but I’m proud of taking me and my brother out of it at least.
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silvermists
October 17, 2020 at 3:48 PM
Just something on parental abuse because I’m watching 18 again:
Being under lockdown during covid is just the worse time to realize your abusive parents never grew out of the abuse. I spent so much time as a kid hating and blaming myself for all the abusive shit my parents put me through. When my brother was born, I was 10 and determined to never let him experience the hell I went through alone. He was 5 and I put my body between him and whatever weapon my parents had at hand to beat the crap out of him for whatever small thing he had done. My body black and blue from bruises I had from shielding him, me screaming at my parents that they really shouldn’t have had us as kids if this was what they thought parenting was. The abuses stopped for a while after and as I grew older my hurt turned into venom and I would fight with my parents constantly for everything. My teenage years were a blur of angsty shit that I really rather not revisit.
Long story short, but I got older so did my parents and they mellowed out eventually. I’m in my late 20’s and no one has dared to hit me in years. My parents talk about me now like I was a model child. Lime my trauma, my depression, my suicidal tendencies never happened. We have reconciled in these years. My parents turned from demons from hell to sweet older people who are lonely without their kids. I moved out and talking to them on the phone made me think that they realized how wrong they were and that they learned from their mistakes that its never OK to raise a hand to a child that depends on you for safety and doesn’t really know what they did that was so wrong that they needed to be disciplined like that. I made my peace with them.
But covid bought me back home. If the constant proximity to my parents wasn’t maddening enough, a couple of months ago I heard them on the phone with my uncle. His son was growing up you see and not studying as he should. Mind you he’s all of 13 and this was when our city was literally under lockdown: we had curfew and couldent leave our designated areas and shit. But obviously it was super important to my uncle that my cousin sit with his books from 9am-2pm, then be allowed to play from 2-4pm and then attend his religious study classes and then study some more and do his homework etc till 11pm. A 13 year old kid. And his answer to my cousin not listening to him was to beat the shit out him and threaten to kill him.
If you think this is horrifying that’s nothing compared to what my parents did. They listened to this kid crying saying no one listened to him. And they “advised” him to stop crying, listen to his father unless he wanted to be thrown out of the house. They said my uncle was justified in hitting a child. That my cousin shouldn’t have tried to defend himself or raise a hand to his father because that’s wrong. They advised my uncle to be stricter, thats how they disciplined me and look how well I turned out.
Listening to this bullshit in horrified silence, I realized my parents had learned nothing from me growing up. I excused so much of their shit thinking that they were young that’s how they learned and that they loved me and didnt know it was wrong. I raised my brother to be the very best I could and hes a kind, compassionate boy who hates violence and toxic masculinity. And I thought they had learned.
It’s like all those years of me growing, my trauma and what I learned form it, the years of me reconditioning my body to forget their bullshit teachings and be the woman I am today, all of that just never happened.
I’m too sick to my stomach, too hurt to talk to them anymore beyond a few words here and there.
All this to say that watching 18 again and seeing how they keep justifying parental abuse as filial duty fills me up with so much fucking rage. The kids on the show have Dae Young as the dad friend to take care of them, to protect and to show them that they deserve better. I had no one except myself to teach me those things and those were painful learning experiences. I fucking hate how we have to forgive our parents for the trauma they inflict because they are old and will die and then we might regret it. But why should my forgiveness be something that I’m forced to give out? Why can’t I just live with regrets? I would rather gut myself off from them and be happy in the now than force myself to forgive and forget only to be reminded once again that some people really don’t fucking change for the better
Fly Colours
October 17, 2020 at 4:40 PM
Also hate that trope!
@silvermists, you’ve been through a lot. You’re strong, and goodhearted, and since you were a kid you figured out on your own that some things were just wrong, and had the self-preservation instinct to get away from all that. Well done!
I never suffered physical abuse, but grew up with a lot of crazy and dysfunction, so I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about this stuff over the years. My conclusion is that parents do what they can, but sometimes what they can is pretty mediocre. If you can find it in your heart to have some sort of relationship with them – the amount and intensity of contact on your own terms -, you’ll probably feel better than if you cut them off. But – and this is very important – you don’t need to forgive them, you can just accept the fact that they messed up.
Coming to terms with the fact that one of my parents is a jerk, and that my home dynamics was poison to all of us, was liberating to me and allowed to keep on loving them with all their flaws
Wishing you and your brother the best, and hope your cousin finds some kind of help, or gets away from his home situation as soon as possible, poor kid!
bea
October 17, 2020 at 4:40 PM
My sorry won’t change anything but nobody deserves to be abused in any way or degree. So, I am so sorry, silvermists. I am also so proud that you are able to be the woman you are today. You have worked so hard and done so well. I have nothing else to say so I will just offer you my hugs. *envelopes you into the biggest and warmest hug with soothing circle back-rubs*
silvermists
October 18, 2020 at 7:12 AM
Thank you love that means a lot. You’re right that at the end of the day we all have to find what gives you the most peace. I thought I had found that but I’m still rediscovering my own limits I guess.
It really sucks when the place you’re supposed to be your most comfortable at is the place that turns so toxic. I hope you’re doing better too with your home situation. This is one of the only platforms where I feel comfortable being at and sharing things on. Sometimes all you need is the comfort of kdramas and a couple of wonderful beanies to talk to to feel better
Beverly
October 17, 2020 at 5:22 PM
Honestly family or not I think it is 100% ok to cut out people who have and who continue to harm you if that is something you choose to do.
Also, you should be very proud of yourself for breaking that cycle of abuse in regards to you and your brother.
silvermists
October 18, 2020 at 7:15 AM
Thanks @bcampbell1662. Its definitely hard but at the end of the day you shouldn’t have to deal with the toxic people in your life. It puts a lot of mental pressure just to be around them and I do agree its better to cut them off from your life rather than keep them around because social norms dictate that it must be so. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first and do what makes you happy. I just wish more kdramas did that and showed how liberating of an experience that is.
DoubleFault
October 18, 2020 at 12:43 AM
I really liked how IOTNBO handled the death of MY’s dad. He wasn’t absolved of his sins and wasn’t forgiven by his daughter. MY did not even go see him in his final days. This for me is very realistic and done just right. I do think also that forgiveness is not something that we are supposed to give automatically just because someone is dying.
silvermists, You’ve endured so much and have done well for yourself and your brother. I wish you all the best. No one deserves to go through any form of abuse.
silvermists
October 18, 2020 at 7:21 AM
@doublefault yes!! That was one of my most favourite things about the show! I loved that they didn’t change who Mo Young was as a person but just showed that in a nurturing environment she can be sweet instead of abrasive and gentle instead of hard. She went through a lot of trauma growing up and its only after she cut her parents out of her life that she got to do grow as a person and get out of that damn house! I love that despite how many people at the hospital tried to force the redemption arc on her she did not forgive her father because at the end of the day she put herself first. And he did nothing to deserve her forgiveness no matter.
Thank you for saying that. No one should have to go through abuse regardless of the circumstances. It angers me that I couldent get my parents out of the cycle but I’m proud of taking me and my brother out of it at least.