Thing vs. Thing: Vampires in Dramaland

by javabeans

Here’s Round 2 in the battle of Thing vs. Thing, where we pit… things… against… things… It’s all right there in the title for a reason! Last time, we took a look at the plights of a common recent character type—the time-traveler—and this time we’re lookin’ at a different breed (literally, hur) of hero: the vampire. Apples versus oranges, go! Let the battle begin.

 
javabeans: Which vampire would you rather be, idol or prosecutor?

girlfriday: But that’s no contest.

javabeans: Totally. Idol right?

girlfriday: What??

javabeans: Well, if you’re an idol, you get to hang out with pretty idol girls and walk safely in the daylight, just listenin’ to your K-pop.

girlfriday: If imma be a creature of the night, I’m going with badass, all the way. Prosecutor, hands down.

javabeans: But you’re all tortured and conflicted. Plus there’s that whole grieving-for-your-dead-sister and the dangerous job and the frame jobs and the injustice.

girlfriday: But brooding is part of the territory. You’re a vampire. It’s in the job description.

javabeans: Then isn’t it more awesome that the idol version gets to flout all that expected broodiness and just skip to the part where they hang out and date girls and have funny bromantic escapades?

girlfriday: I think Vampire Prosecutor had plenty of bromantic escapades, if you’ll remember.

javabeans: AND THEN HE DRANK HIM. If you’ll remember.

girlfriday: Did he?

javabeans: Admittedly it was the side friend, not the main one. Fact remains: drinky. He was the one who was all, Here, have my blood. I’m doing penance or whatever. I’m paraphrasing.

girlfriday: Oh yeah. But that’s the risk with vampiric attachments, even of the bromantic variety.

javabeans: Let’s break this down then. Vampire “turning” moments. Hot prosecutor man had to die in the rain, attacked by the big scary ubervamp in the hood. Idol boys got born that way. MUCH easier vampire “birth.”

girlfriday: Yeah, but then they have to grow up in a society where there is no k-pop, no k-drama, and therefore NO JOY.

javabeans: Thankfully they’re cronies of the prince, who gets all that stuff smuggled in anyway. And really, they’re just a hop, skip, and a wormhole away from k-poplandia anyway.

girlfriday: But that was supposed to be a daytrip, and then they got banished for it.

javabeans: I will give you that it’s probably worse for idol boys to have spent the first 200 years of their lives thinking they were hideous, while Tae-yeon just gets to be his hot self his whole life.

girlfriday: True. Once a hottie, always a hottie. It’s much more painful for vampire princey, who goes from hottie to nottie. It’s coming down to Earth, both ways.

javabeans: Badum-ching! That’s true. But really, we’re not talking about the prince, are we? Not when we have Nerd, Dork, and Bloodthirsty around? And speaking of which, with vampidols, you get your pick of four! Or, yunno, all four, if that’s how you roll.

girlfriday: Of course that’s how I roll. Why you even asking? Who would you pick?

javabeans: I’m partial to the Nerd, but I’m thinking in real life he’d be a pain to be around, always correcting you and being so smug about it. Bloodthirsty has that whole hot intensity thing, but I wouldn’t want to fear for my life all the time. So Dork it is.

girlfriday: If I had to choose, I’d go with Dork. He fell in love with a bunny, not knowing there was a girl inside!

javabeans: Then again, I suppose Prosecutor sort of is equal parts Nerd, Dork, and Bloodthirsty anyway…

girlfriday: All rolled into one hot package?

javabeans: Yes, minus the childish imperious prince. But maybe princey and Soon-bum cancel each other out?

girlfriday: Ha. Every vampire’s gotta have a whiny sidekick. Though Soon-bum beats Princey, in that he comes to the rescue when he’s needed, whereas Princey gets himself into trouble and needs rescuing all the time.

javabeans: Skills-wise, Prosecutor has all the kickass fighting talents… but hey, the idol boys can fly and stand upside-down. And they live in a piano! So, they have body-morphing and -shrinking abilities.

girlfriday: I suppose morphing could be handy, but bachelor pad beats piano, any day of the week.

javabeans: But Prosecutor’s vampiness gives him migraines. The idols are too evolved for that.

girlfriday: But he can see visions when he drinks dead people’s blood.

javabeans: But all of his crime-solving could have been done without his psychic visions! (Seriously, dude, just spare yourself the headaches.)

girlfriday: Okay, true. That was a useless plot device. But the pretty blue eyes! And Prosecutor definitely wins in the guyliner category. He fights baddies all day, and not a smudge!

javabeans: Sure, Prosecutor can score the long-lasting-eye-makeup commercials, but he has to fight all day! It’s a tough gig. And as if that’s not enough, then he’s gotta be all day-job-ready too. That’s TWO full time, life-threatening jobs. I’d rather be the lazy vampire, thanks. ‘Cause let’s face it, one of those things is a fixed condition.

girlfriday: Lazy or vampire?

javabeans: Well, I meant lazy in that that would be the case no matter what my human/alien/paranormal status. But I guess vampire is a fixed condition too. Just maybe less problematic than the laziness.

girlfriday: It is amazing how UN-problematic the condition is in most dramas. There’s hardly a downside. There’s no bumpy forehead, no need for a daylight ring, no soul-less alter ego waiting to be freed.

javabeans: Right? So in that sense it’s kind of like Prosecutor is being all broody for no reason. He’s got it good, yo!

girlfriday: Compared to his tv vampire predecessors, yeah, he’s got it made. But he does have the bloodthirsty-for-the-girl problem. Some things you can never shake.

javabeans: Ha, for some reason that makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where George tries to sneak-eat during sex. It’s his flawed “Best of Both Worlds!” dream scenario. Somehow I think that works less well with blood.

girlfriday: Hahaha. You mean cheeseburger vs. artery?

javabeans: Well, I was thinking he could sneak a hospital blood bag in there to manage that bloodlust craving, but then we’d be leaping from the slick, stylish Vampire Prosecutor straight into something out of National Lampoon. Much less sexy, never as funny as it wants to be, and a little repulsive.

girlfriday: Well now even if we DO get a sex scene, I’m just going to be picturing that. Thanks.

javabeans: You’re welcome. I’ll give it to Prosecutor for having the more promising future girlfriend, since she’s a gutsy and fearless professional woman versus the Girls Girls bunch, who tend to be flighty. But does Potential Future Girlfriend measure up against Actual Girlfriends, However Silly?

girlfriday: Yes, because he’s the one keeping kickass Potential Girlfriend at arm’s length for her own good, because he’s a Noble Idiot Vampire.

javabeans: I think I’d rather be Selfish Vampire than Noble Idiot Vampire. One’s better for admiring from afar for his principles and etc, the other one’s better to be.

girlfriday: You’d think that bloodlust (or hell, just plain ol’ lust) would win out over noble idiocy in an in-touch-with-his-dark-side creature of the night.

javabeans: Boss-wise, Prosecutor has got the rawer deal. With the whole trying-to-beat-him-to-death thing, and terrorizing-society-at-large-with-his-rationalized-god-complex thing. The idols have to deal with a cheapskate, a control freak, and a goofball, but those are all still on the annoyance scale.

girlfriday: True, but even god complex guy doesn’t shut off the electricity or limit his cell phone data usage, which is just no way to live.

javabeans: They win cell phones for themselves, though, using their super-smarts, so that works out in the end. Being self-sufficient can help them jump that hurdle, but Prosecutor’s just gotta deal with Bad Guy Who’s Not A Bad Guy Whom He Can Neither Kill Nor Not Kill. Heavy stuff, dude.

girlfriday: But as far as vampiric status being useful, it’s a lot handier for a prosecutor who faces life and death to put away baddies, than for idol trainees. What do they gain? Faster dance reflexes?

javabeans: I bet if you dropped vampidols in into Prosecutor’s world, they’d be all right with their super-hearing, -smarts, and -reflexes. But you drop Prosecutor into idol-land? And… actually, now I really wanna see that.

girlfriday: Tae-yeon would kill innocent people before becoming a vampidol. Though a case where he has to go undercover as one would make my day.

javabeans: Singing and dancing and wearing glitter?

girlfriday: Don’t you think he could be in Shinhwa? I always thought he was a dead ringer for Andy.

javabeans: Yeon Jung-hoon? No way! (To the Andy.) I totally want to see him in Shinhwa though. Or better yet, G.O.D.

girlfriday: It’s just so wrong… it’s right.

javabeans: Basically we need him to star in our original production, “A-Dol,” aka Ajusshi-Idol.

girlfriday: Okay, fantasy casting. Six members of A-dol. Go.

javabeans: Yoon Kye-sang, naturally.

girlfriday: Naturally.

javabeans: Jang Hyuk, because that would be hilarious. And Kim Kang-woo, because it’s so freakin’ weird that he had that history and is such a stiff, serious actor now.

girlfriday: Kim Kang-woo can hold up the non-singing, shirtless guy role in the group.

javabeans: I think they should all hold up the shirtless guy role. Although Cha Tae-hyun could be the center of attention with his comic one-liners.

girlfriday: He would be a good frontman. That leaves dancing guy, and one really good singer.

javabeans: Is Eric too obvious a choice?

girlfriday: I was totally gonna ask YOU that!

javabeans: Then Eric is our dancer. Now, we just need a singer for our singing group. Alex?

girlfriday: Pffft. You mean our fantasy a-dol group has a ballad singer standing in the center, not moving while the others dance around him?

javabeans: That’s what makes it so funny! He can be their figurative Maypole.

girlfriday: Okay, so we’ve got Alex the Singing Maypole, Cha Tae-hyun the Leader, Yoon Kye-sang the Eye Candy Cutie Pie, Kim Kang-woo the Shirtless Guy, Eric the Dancing Machine, and Jang Hyuk…. the… What the hell is he?

javabeans: The Shirtless Eye Candy Dancing Rapping Comic Leader.

girlfriday: No! He’s the Wannabe Serious Actor Guy!

javabeans: He can be all those things.

girlfriday: And then! (Just to bring it back on-topic) when they get flack for being too old, they can turn into vampires to stay young forever! Only they’re already ajusshis.

javabeans: Aw, talk about close but no cigar. On the idol upside, at least we got practically eighty episodes to enjoy their adorkable hotness. Prosecutor only got twelve! My math says idols win.

girlfriday: But Prosecutor gets a Season 2!

javabeans: While Vampire Idol got cut. That calls for *sadface* *happyface.*

girlfriday: *Fangface.*

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