Santa Strikes Back! [Year In Review, Part 6]

by Santa Claus

What the ever-lovin’ reindeer feculence? I get home from my overnight trans-earthian sleigh odyssey, settle back with my hard-earned fifths of whiskey to read up on what I’ve missed in dramaland, and find that they’ve finished the year-end reviews without me? This is an outrage! I know who’s getting their presents revoked this year! Goddamn naughty candy cane stuffers. How could those glumdrops possibly consider a year complete without my gleaming snowballs of wisdom? They can shut me out, but they can’t shut me up! I will be heard, even if I have to bribe my hacker elf and actually watch some dramas to do it.

Here’s the Year-End Review you’ve REALLY been waiting for… *Hic!*

What’s Up: The usual. Reindeer up my ass about unfair wages, giving the elves bad ideas about workers’ “rights” and union power. I swear, another year of this labor fiddle-faddle and I’ll be outsourcing to Canadian Caribou and Arctic Oompaloompas.

Dream High: But not too high. Might’ve been your dream my sleigh trampled on last night. Watch where you put that thing.

Manny: A man raises a kid and you make him a hero? Here in the North Pole, a man raises a kid and we call him a man. Okay, fine, an elf.

49 Days: 49 Days to cry three tears? C’mere, I’ll show you real tears.

High Kick 3: Counterattack of the Short Legs: Shhh! Don’t give the elves any bright ideas.

City Hunter: This is the worst comedy I’ve ever seen. Wait, this isn’t Three Dads, One Mom?

Princess(‘) Man: Call me a fuddy-duddy. I like my sugarplum fairies pink and my princesses female.

My Princess: I already did this one!

Me Too, Flower!: The name’s Santa, but I can see how you’d make that mistake.

Royal Family: Yeah it’s lonely at the top.

Can’t Lose: Sure you can. In a marriage, both sides lose.

Best Love: The best love is the kind between a man and his whiskey.

Scent of a Woman: If tango cures cancer, does it also cure boredom?

Girl K: Schoolgirl uniform, thigh-highs, and killing for hire? Best job ever.

Lie to Me: I always do.

Miss Ripley: This is why I’ve instituted a 30-day background check on all new elves.

Thousand Day Promise: We fail, but we try anyway. This is why every third Christmas sucks.

Vampire Prosecutor: Usually when a lawyer sucks your blood they slap you with a bill afterwards.

Baby-Faced Beauty: Why thank you. It’s the night cream made from crushed reindeer antlers and elf earwax.

Poseidon: This guy’s a wet blanket, but he plays a mean game of poker.

Midas: Stingy bastard owes me a drink.

Athena: Bitch thinks she’s better than me.

Warrior Baek Dong-soo: Hey, I deliver these action figures to little girls every year. They’re called Barbie.

You’ve Fallen For Me: Well that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Man of Honor: Not according to my naughty list.

I Need Romance: Like a reindeer needs an opinion.

Paradise Ranch: Is there a river of whiskey flowing through it?

Tree With Deep Roots: Mrs. Claus has a weed-killer that’ll take care of that problem.

The Musical: If I have to watch another rendition of the Elf Nutcracker, I’ll start cracking some nuts.

Sign: If you leave signs, how will you get away with it? Murderers these days.

The Duo: Sometimes I think I was switched at birth.

President: I prefer the term Supreme Glorious Radiant Dictator of the North.

White Christmas: This drama’s a sham. No Santa, no Christmas.

Can You Hear My Heart?: Well that’s a rude question to ask a deaf guy. And they call ME insensitive.

Protect the Boss: Aka Santa 101, the first required course for elves at North Pole U.

Myung-wol the Spy: First law of North Pole-ian Counter-Penguin Squad. Never fall in love with the shifty South Pole-ian you were sent to kill.

Birdie Buddy: Second law of North Pole-ian Counter-Penguin Squad. No fraternizing with the waddling waterfowl.

Ojakkyo Brothers: Third law of North Pole-ian Counter-Penguin Squad. Beware of ducks. The waddling bastards.

Thorn Birds: Fourth law of North Pole-ian Counter-Penguin Squad: Enough with the birth secrets!

Crime Squad: I’ve been meaning to call these guys. I’m missing a reindeer muzzle and Rudolph has an alibi.

RELATED POSTS

• 2011 Year In Review, Part 5: Editors’ Picks
• 2011 Year In Review, Part 4: The DramaMeter: highly scientific and foolproof (girlfriday’s review)
• 2011 Year In Review, Part 3: Somewhere Over the K-Drama Rainbow (Dahee Fanel’s review)
• 2011 Year In Review, Part 2: The Good, The Bad, and The Hmmm… of 2011 (kaedejun’s review)
• 2011 Year In Review, Part 1: Measuring 2011 on the Sticky Scale (javabeans’ review)
• 2011 Beanie Awards: Vote for your favorite dramas of the past year